Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
