it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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