When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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