I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
