Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
