It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize