i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
