the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
