I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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