The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
God, I missed his penis.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
