I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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