My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize