Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
