Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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