I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
