Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
