For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
