even my farts smell like vagina
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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