I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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