I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
