Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
whose parrot is this?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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