Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
