last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
