i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
