Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
