Your dad touched me again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How drunk are you?
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