Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
