It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
