You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
