Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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