My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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