btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
