And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
