You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize