Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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