You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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