If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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