And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
