I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
