Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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