dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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