New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
