One girl and one boy is just not enough.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
