I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
