OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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