Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
