So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
