At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
