Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
