Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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