I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
