Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
