I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
