this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
