How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
