How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
