No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
