Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
