Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
