I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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