The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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