You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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