I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
