I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
