my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize