remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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