I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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